Five Things I Can Do Because I Am Single

So surprisingly, the reaction to my blog post about reasons why I am single was universally positive. (Although I'm not sure what my cats thought, they refused to comment…) I even received multiple date offers nationwide from people I have never met, so that is delightful. Or creepy, considering the only things they know about me are that I may have a cocaine addiction and really love cats. But regardless, I find I need to clarify. Because this post also brought on the sympathy train of people who are like, "Oh Megan, don't stress out, you're wonderful, I am sure God has a man just for you who is rich and handsome and finds those middle school pics of you to be super sexy!" However, that wasn't the point of my last post. I mean sure, it would be nice to have someone who always tells me I'm beautiful, and texts me goodmorning every morning when they wake up, and who cuddles with me to keep me warm (I'm obviously too good to use jackets like the rest of the human race) but there are so many fabulous things I can do because I am single. And so that is what I offer you today, just a taste of some of the great things I can do because I'm single.

1. Bum clothes. And hair. And make up.

If there is a day, week, month, or semester you don't feel like looking your best, you don't have to worry about it! Living the single life means that you can dress in stretchy pants and t-shirts every day, that you can "forget" to run a brush through your hair, and that the eye liner can stay in the corner gathering dust indefinitely. With no man to impress, some days I look like the equivalent of a sleep-deprived monkey in yoga pants. But that is okay, because it means (at least for me) more sleep and more comfort. So to all you girls riding solo, remember it is cool to live the bum life.

2. Netflix Marathons

On the weekends while other people are out having fun with their significant other, I usually find myself alone with a hankering to watch an episode (or 12) of some quality TV programming. Without a boyfriend, I am free to do this all I want. Netflix and I really have an emotional connection, and I love how it just keeps playing the episodes automatically without me having to click on anything. It is a lazy person's dream. Except when you've watched five or six episodes and that obnoxious, judgmental little gray box pops up and asks you if you're still watching. I'm like: "RUDE NETFLIX! You don't know my life. Maybe I do want to watch 45 consecutive episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" or 12 solid hours of How I Met Your Mother, don't judge me."

3. I can eat Cheetos as much as I want, whenever I want.

I don't know why this is something exclusively single people can do, but if you didn't think it was gonna make my list, clearly you don't know me at all.

4. Look at cute boys

As a single girl, I have no shame or guilt in checking out attractive men, and then subsequently finding out their full name and then extensively Facebook stalking them. At which point I will be able to tell you their age, college, major, place of employment, past dating history, blood type, closest friends, and what they might be doing on any given Tuesday at 6 o' clock. (That's right, my Facebook stalking skills are incredibly renowned. If the whole elementary school teacher doesn't work out, I am pretty sure the CIA or FBI would be willing to take me on as a resident stalker.)

5. Selfie profile pictures

No need to include a man in my pics! Whenever I feel the urge to snap a good picture of myself, I am ready. In the car, while doing homework, on the way to the elementary school to teach a literacy lesson (see my current twitter profile picture) I am ready. I can re-take the picture 16 times to make sure the lighting is right, and my double chin is hidden, and my hair is perfectly positioned to make my nose look smaller and my eyes look bigger. This is significantly harder to do with a man because in general they don't care what pictures of them look like. In fact, if you look at most of the guys you know on Facebook, their profile picture is probably something that a girl would have hurried to untag herself in two minutes after it was posted. Chances are they are covered in dirt, making a ridiculous face, or wearing some kind of strange costume. Being single eliminates the need to include your man in your picture. So single ladies, snap those selfies, and maybe number 14 will be the one.

This is not an exhaustive list, but rather just a taste of the complete and utter joy of being single. Of course I don't mean that people in relationships can't do the things on this list. I just like to think its easier/makes more sense for single people to do them, thus helping me to justify my unhealthy consumption of cheetos and Netflix marathons.

What kinds of things can you do because you're single? Please post them in the comments. Then I will feel less lame.

Megan

Seven Reasons I'm Probably Single

Recently people (i.e. my mom and cat, really if I mention "people" on here, you as the reader can just assume that is who I mean) keep asking me how me, the wonderful, fabulous, Megan could possibly be single. And at first, I was confounded. I mean, honestly, I consider myself pretty normal, relatively humorous, and not altogether hideous. But then… I really considered things.

1. When in public I often hum to myself. That goes for pretty much any time I'm not directly speaking to humans. In line waiting for food in the cafeteria, on the way to classes, in the car, etc. I am sure it only adds to the crazy vibe I give off. Today I gave a tour and I caught myself humming as we walked from one building to another. I apologized to the prospective students and their families, and they said it was fine, I was just "very bubbly and energetic" but there is no way they did not suspect that I was in possession of a one-way ticket to crazy town.

2. I am a big ball of awkward. Not only do I have this weird hand shaking problem (Don't worry I looked it up on Web MD and it's either low blood sugar or cocaine abuse, so that's still a toss up.) BUT I also have no ability to make small talk. People ask me about the weather and I'm like, yeah so sunny right, but what are your eschatological views? Oops.

3. And for some reason when I tell stories about my life they always end in awkward and embarrassing reveals about things people probably don't want to know about me. One time a guy asked me about why I chose the college I was attending and it ended with me telling him all of the reasons having a big butt comes in handy in every day life. How? Good question.

4. My main hobbies include eating and napping. The word cheetos is in my everyday vocabulary and I just informed a large group of people a few days ago that my life motto is "You can never have too many cookies." Forget, "Dream Big" or "With God, all things are possible." I thought it was necessary to inform a crowd that my LIFE motto revolved around cookies. My most-used twitter hashtag is "#fattyproblems," and rightly so. I measure time by "how long until I can eat again" and sometimes I attend social events purely for the food. I am actually justa giant sloth with a large vocabulary and the tendency to be overly sarcastic.

5. All of the guys I have ever been close with knew me when I looked like this:

   

   Between the hair and the lips, I'm surprised I didn't have
   to beat off the boys with a baseball bat.

   
   

   

   My awkward years were actually an awkward decade,
   and this was smack dab in the middle of it.

   
   

   

   Seriously. I just can't even...

6. My favorite sport is marathon TV watching. And I am really good at it.

7. I am actually a cat lady in training. Every time I see a picture of a cat I ooh and ahh and get this overwhelming desire to share it with someone. I have my cats listed in my phone contacts. And I actually refer to them as members of the family. Any day now I will be co-hosting birthday parties for strays in the neighborhood. It is just a sign of things to come, and I think men can sense it.

There are probably like 23 other reasons that could make this list, but I'm still trying to keep myself marketable. I mean, who knows, there could be a man out there who is just dying to date an awkward, cat-obsessed, cheeto-loving, possible-cocaine-abusing, spontaneous hummer. And if so, well you know where to find me.

Megan

Confessions of a Grammar Snob

1. I Google words to make sure I am spelling them right/using them in the correct context and syntax at least once a week

2. Sometimes I scroll through Facebook or Twitter not to read people's statuses, but to troll for grammar errors- and then promptly judge those who post them.

3. I said the sentence, "He's very handsome, but I couldn't marry him- his grasp of homonyms and homophones is practically non-existent!" just last week

4. In high school I purchased a $20 T-shirt that said, "To Infinitives and Beyond!" with a Grammar superhero on it and wore it to school on the only dress-down (uniform optional) day we had all year. (And I wonder why I was single in high school… honestly.)

5. Every time I see a misplaced apostrophe, turning something possessive that should not be, I lose a year off my life. And based on the current trend of apostrophe use in America, it looks like I only have 3-4 years left at this point.

6. The other day when I walked past Victoria's Secret I couldn't focus on the fact I was supposed to be criticizing the scantily clad women, I was too busy criticizing the sign that said "You've never seen body's like this" (There goes another year of my life, thanks to an apostrophe crisis)

7. I actually laugh at pictures like this: 
   
8. The comma is not just meaningless punctuation for me, the comma is my friend. I love them almost as much as I love Cheetos. Okay maybe that's a bit of hyperbole. But I do like commas. I even wrote a lengthy, satirical poem about them.
9. I know what hyperbole means. And I use it often, both the word and the figure of speech.
10. I subscribe to the Grammar Girl podcast, I have liked her Facebook page and followed her on Twitter, and I own multiple books she has written.
11.  When you use the word "literal" it makes me question your very existence… Did you literally die? Is this literally the worst thing ever? Are cheetos literally the only food you eat? There are other ways to exercise your powers of hyperbole. Consider them.
12. I've actually blocked people on Facebook, not because they were incredibly rude or annoying, but because their horribly misspelled, grammatically atrocious stream-of-consciousness statuses were raising my blood pressure. 
13. Last week I doodled "I love Strunk and White" all over my Mod Civ notes in class after my professor briefly mentioned Elements of Style. This is real life people. (Forget being single in high school… now I know why I'm STILL single…)
14. Every time I see an error in any sort of publication my cruel little heart skips a beat as I congratulate myself for catching the mistake and then I subsequently judge the publisher for such an oversight.
15. This picture is a fair representation of my life: 
    

Is there anything that you are especially pedantic about? Leave it in the comments! However, be warned, I'll be checking your grammar! 

Eight Profile Pictures You Should Be Ashamed Of

It's been a while since I've blogged, but I have a bit of writer's block. I just haven't been inspired by anything recently that would generate a post worthy of this website. But I'd hate to see my large fan club (i.e. my mother and cat) disappointed, so I pulled together another fabulous post about social media, because honestly at this point it's what I spend the better part of my waking hours indulging in. Forgive me if I repeat statements previously addressed in my other post, How to Use (the) Facebook: A Guide, but I just wanted to expand a little on the art of the profile picture for those who were unclear before.

As I may have mentioned, your Facebook profile picture is the first impression you make on people when they see your Facebook. It appears in little square icon form next to every post, every like, every comment you make. Your profile picture is basically your brand, and as such it is important that it is representative of the kind of image you hope to present to the world. And when your grandma, boss, best friend, and ex look at your profile picture, they should not be embarrassed, confused or alarmed, to say the least.

The following eight examples are really just a few of the profile picture mistakes I have seen in my four years on Facebook, but they are a good jumping off point to help you to make the right choice when it comes to your own profile picture.

I've included pictures in this post as well, because like they say, a picture can say a thousand words, and while I know I am capable of it, I feel that no one (even my mom or my cat) wants to read 10,000 words from me.

1. ANY picture where you're making the "duck face." Seriously, everyone knows what I'm talking about. It's like the classic middle school girl pose where you bug out your eyes and purse your lips together. Bonus points if you also make a peace sign with your fingers. I hear that the duck community is really supportive of all new age movements, so your picture will be a totally genuine representation of their kind.

Ducks everywhere are falling in love right now. But is that really your target audience?

WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA: Have you ever really admired anyone else's duck photo? Probably not. Is the duck face a face that you actually ever make in everyday life? Hopefully not. Is it ever attractive to look like any sort of avian creature? Definitely not.

2. A weird, artsy picture of yourself with 4 filters on it. You may scoff, but I've actually seen this done entirely too many times. Unless you really are an art major, just say no to the crooked picture of your ear blurred with a bluish light on it.

My mascara looks good, but that's about it. Because I am GREEN.

WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA: While I am staring at your ear trying to guess what the heck it even is, I am not thinking that this is a good representation of you. No one that looks at this thinks you're artistic or edgy- they just think you are confused.

3. A seductive picture of yourself "disguised" as an innocent profile picture. Guess what? No one is fooled. Writing "Happy Easter!" on that picture of you bending over and showing us what your momma gave you does not make me think of the celebration of Jesus' resurrection from the dead to save us from eternal damnation. It makes me think you are slightly desperate. And my roommate and I will definitely refer to you as "Easter Boobs" from this day forward. (True Story) The same goes for a picture of you standing with your shirt pulled up a little to reveal your side.

A proper caption to this would be, "Going to Work Out!" But NO.

WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA: I don't think that this picture is having the desired effect you were hoping for. Girls are just staring at it shaking their heads, and if you are getting attention from boys, it is not the right kind of attention. I am doubting that they like this picture for your personality, if you know what I mean... Keep it classy ladies.

4. A picture not of yourself. It's called FACEbook. FACE. That means a picture of your face. Or at least your body. Or at least you in some form. I understand the occasional random picture of your cat. Or your child (especially if it's cute, and you're old- everyone wants to see the kid anyways) If you are too ugly to have a half decent picture of yourself, then either severely photoshop one OR just get off of Facebook altogether. Sorry if this is harsh, but when I look at your profile picture and it's a tiger or a bag of cheetos, I am so confused.

I am not a tiger.

Or Cheetos. 

This is much better. Maybe distressing and not socially acceptable, but at least I'm in it.

WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA: You're not a tiger. Or cheetos. Enough said.

5. A group picture of you and 30 other people. That is what a cover photo is for. This is especially difficult when Facebook stalkers like myself are creeping, attempting to figure out which person is you in a tiny square of 35 faces. Help out a creeper, choose a nice, clear picture of you with a maximum of three other people.

Which one is you? Similar to our predicament with the tootsie pop, the world may never know. 

WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA: I want to be able to identify you easily from your profile picture, not play a confusing game of "Where’s Waldo" where you're probably not even wearing a brightly striped shirt…

6. A picture that matches the profile picture of your significant other/best friend/ sorority sister/ grandma.

See what I did there? 

WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA: I personally take the mindlessness of social media for granted. But if I have to intently study my newsfeed to determine if it's you or your boyfriend that posted/commented/liked something, then that mindlessness is lost. Encourage laziness. Be original.

7. A super far-away picture of you.

Is that me? You'll never know.
(HINT: If Cheetos aren't readily accessible, it's probably not me.)

WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA: Sure it might be cool blown up into normal size, but in the days of iPads and smartphones, your profile picture is probably tiny. The average person that doesn't have Spidey-vision is not going to know whether it is you in the picture or the bread-loving, always naked mess that is Miley Cyrus. And I'm guessing that's not what you want.

8. A poorly cropped picture.

We all know "Baby got back." No need to awkwardly highlight it.

WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA: Even if you totally love a picture, but you cannot crop it to comfortably fit your face and any of your friends' faces in that square-shaped profile picture frame, then it is not a good choice. Use it as your cover photo, or if that doesn't work just post it on your Newsfeed and "accidentally" tag your ex in it so you're sure he sees it. Problem solved. ;)

There you go! The art of the perfect profile picture is just to be classy, look like yourself and cut out distracting details.

What bad prof pics have you seen? Post it in the comments!

Much love!

Megan

State of the Union: Megan Edition

The number of people who have viewed my blog recently hit quadruple digits, and so I decided for all of my loyal followers, it is time for a life update! Lots of EXCITING (READ: mundane and predictable) things have been going on in my life and I have been pretty much PARTYING (READ: working minimum wage jobs) 24/7.

During the day, I nanny full time for a lovely 12-year-old girl is pretty much a professional ballerina. She could absolutely kick my butt when it comes to P90X, and she can also finish off a frozen pizza single-handedly. (Needless to say, a girl after my own heart. I wonder how she feels about Cheetos…) We mostly spend our days lying out at the pool or lying out on the couch and watching Disney channel. She also has a pet bird named Fawkes. This bird is no normal bird. It doesn't fly, but rather likes to snuggle all day long with the little ballerina. So he's more like a tiny, feathered dog than a bird. Even though he is nothing but lovey with my little charge, he literally despises me. When I get within 5 feet of him or even remotely make eye contact, he squawks incredibly loudly and scurries away. But that doesn't stop him from leaving little "presents" all over the house for me to clean up throughout the day. Delightful really.

At night, you can find me at Rita's Italian Ice, serving customers their be-sprinkled ice cream treats, and eating my weight in gummy bears. The worst thing Rita's ever did was decide that they should add toppings, because now I feel the need to eat pretty much my salary's worth of candy every shift to make up for the raise I've neglected to get this past 5 years. 

In reality, I haven't done anything close to important of impressive. I have been busy perfecting the Instagram selfie, pinning lots of crafts tutorials and dessert recipes I will never use from Pinterest, and brainstorming ideas for this blog. I have also been studiously pursuing the "24 hour diet" about once a week where I eat healthily for approximately one day but then give up as soon as I see some cheetos the next morning. I have practically given up on the gym, but I do dutifully drive past it several times a week with guilty shame. 

I have also become an avid Snapchat user (which has really aided my pursuit of the perfect selfie). Recently this extremely attractive stranger named Sean has been snapping me. He is from England and really likes The Gladiator. I have no idea how he came to be snapping me, but it's a delightful surprise to have pictures of English towns and adorable somewhat English phrases like "My mates are round chilling" sent to me on a regular basis. We may or may not get married. But considering we mostly talk about the weather and time differences, I think it's promising.

I did have the opportunity to take a trip to the beach with my lovely family where the beginnings of my white girl tan that I had been perfecting in the blow-up pool in my backyard really came to fruition. I enjoyed the last few beautiful moments I might have to eat fresh seafood on the Eastern shore before I journey back to the cold, oceanless land of western PA where all of the restaurants claim to serve "Maryland Famous Crabcakes," yet rarely deliver on the promise. 

As mentioned before, I also just spent a week visiting with one of my best friends and college roommates in Virginia named Meghan. I got a taste of the rich Southern prep life that Meghan has so carefully cultivated. We took plenty of selfies, plenty of naps, and plenty of trips to the mall. It was such a fun trip, and it was so great to see her and her family.

Well, that's really my Summer in a nutshell. My Junior year at Grove City starts in less than a month, and needless to say, I am very excited. As delightful as Summer is, nothing beats the freedom and fun that come with college.

Don't Judge A Blond By Her Cover

Right now I am sitting in a train on the way to visit one of my best friends, and future college roommate, in Virginia. Across from me is this guy who has taken 2 smoke breaks since I got on the train half an hour ago, who is intensely listening to his music, is reading a book titled "Hell", drinking a poorly disguised beer out of a can in a paper bag and is currently rubbing some kind of ointment all over the tattoo on his arm. Yeah. This is real life. Thank you Baltimore for keeping it classy as always.

However, despite all of these obvious signs, I am trying my best not to label this guy. I am also refusing to make eye contact (mostly because my mother is convinced that any minute I will probably be sold into white slavery). But because in addition to all of the things mentioned above, I have also noticed him helping a woman with her baggage at the last stop he took his smoke break, politely waving to the guy who just walked by and smiling kindly at these adorable children that are playing in the seats across from us. When he stretched his feet out, he made sure that he wasn't accidentally kicking me. Also- I glimpsed his iPod and he is actually rocking out to Taylor Swift right now. I am not making this stuff up, people. Seriously.

But mostly I am trying not to judge him because the same could be said of me. Take one look at me right now, sitting here with my bleached blond hair and yoga pants, iPhone in  hand and Vera Bradley bag beside me and I look like the picture of an over-privileged, vapid sorority girl. Which I am… sort-of. Well I hope I am not vapid (and I think that using that word correctly in context would help prove the opposite.) My point really, is that there is so much more to me than first appearances, and that even the people that know me the BEST don't know everything about me.

From first glance at me, you might not think my vocabulary is expansive, that my Vera Bradley bag is just a gift from a job that I am working to pay for college expenses, that my bleached blond hair came from a five dollar bottle I paid for with coupons in Walgreens. And I certainly don't think for a second that the guy across from me would expect me to pull the Lord of the Rings trilogy from my bag once I finish this blog entry and devour it voraciously. Which I will. Or that these yoga pants are just sucking in the tummy that's had one too many bags of Cheetos. Or that I chose to attend the college whose logo is emblazoned across my laptop because of it's strong Christian worldview and conservative values. Or that the music coming out of my headphones is from Mozart's Marriage of Figaro.

This past year at college I remember a guy telling me that the first time he met me he assumed I was a complete idiot and that we really wouldn't get along at all. Of course, he told me that promptly after I had used a vocabulary word of which he did not know the meaning. I was so surprised that me, the top-of-her-class, classically educated Megan Rossi, could ever be perceived as anything short of brilliant. But the thing is, that this guy is hardly the first or last to see me this way. 

That's because as human beings, we are so quick to write people off when they don't look like us, or make assumptions based on appearance. (And maybe that's okay… after all, we do choose how we want to present ourselves to the world.) But I also think that you ought to look more deeply at the people around you, and really notice them before you judge them. Because most of the time, people's appearances and their actions have so much more to them then you might think.

I know… this was totally a cliché post, and hardly full of the sarcastic wit that you've come to expect of me. But I was just feeling preachy, and this blog seemed like the perfect place to trick people into reading… er, I mean share my views with people. 

How to Use (the) Facebook: A Guide for Beginners

I've noticed recently that I have been using Facebook all wrong. Here I thought it was for posting memorable statuses and pictures from my life, for keeping in touch with people that I don't get to see often, and (let's get real here) for creepily stalking anyone and everyone, regardless of how much face-to-face time we've actually spent talking.

But in reality, after careful observation of a choice few of my most active Facebook friends (to be honest, most of my friends have been using it wrong too) I have realized that we're just not using it right. So that is why I offer to you all the first in my series of "How-To" posts: How to Use (the) Facebook, A Guide for Beginners.

DISCLAIMER: The following are all things I have seen on my Facebook news feed several times. So this is real, people. This is the cold, hard truth.

Part One: Posts

Posting on Facebook makes up the majority of the image that you present on this beloved social media site, so you want to make sure that you are doing it right. Don't sweat it though, if you keep reading you'll be well on the path to success.

1. Be sure to be as vague as possible in your statuses while being simultaneously dramatic. Statuses like, "I am SO done with this!", "It's too much to handle" and "Some people just aren't worth it in life- when will I learn that?" And be sure that if (God forbid!) your concerned friends ask what's wrong, you don't answer them. Instead be even more vague, witty nuggets like "Oh, just some people" or "I don't feel like talking about it" are perfect, but so is "Message me! I don't want this going public!" (Forget the fact YOU made it public by posting about it in the first place.) Now, this may seem like a desperate and pathetic cry for help, but TRUST ME, I see this on Facebook often, so clearly, it's what we're going for here. 

2. Update people on your life as much as possible. Especially when it involves awkward "family-only" topics. After all, these are your closest 867 "friends" you wouldn't want them to be in the dark about what you ate for breakfast or what it looked like 4 hours later coming out the other end. Statuses such as, "Today I woke up, cleaned my kitchen, made some curtains, grocery shopped, and cooked dinner, busy day for me!" are perfect examples of this. The more run-of-the-mill and mundane the better!

3. Similar to the last one, are what I like to call "TMI posts." I seem to see these often with new mothers who want to share about their breastfeeding regimen or their baby's bowel movements. But if you're not a new mother, don't let that stop you! The more personal the better. Like I said, you're only showing this to 867 people, some of whom may be your parents, co-workers, ex-boy/girlfriends, you boss, that guy you talked to one time at lunch, etc. They need to know about your poop!

4. Be sure to brag as much as possible. But "cleverly" disguise it with a thinly veiled compliment or thank you shout-out. Something like, "I just want to thank my personal trainer because in just 4 weeks, I have gained 25 lbs of pure muscle and am now the equivalent of a Greek god. NBD." is perfect. Also, be sure to let the world know every time you've worked out, how much you've worked out. But disguise that too! "Just went to the gym! Gotta love early morning productivity" won't make those of us who just woke up at 1 p.m. and are sitting on their couch eating cheetos in their underwear upset at all. No, these statuses will just make those of us who were unaware of  your pure AWESOMENESS before, much better educated. Why let others compliment you genuinely when you can do it yourself and just have them click that "like" button out of guilty obligation?

5. Finally, please post links to sketchy websites telling others why they should eat only  broccoli and tuna for the rest of their lives, how toaster waffles actually cause cancer or how the government is watching them through their TV. Because if your far-fetched and obnoxious opinions haven't gotten painful to listen to in person, you will definitely want to clog everyone's news feeds with it as well. People love your opinions so much I am SURE they will click on that link, run right over to your fancy little website, become instantly converted, and throw away every toaster waffle in their house. And probably every toaster too.

Part Two: Profile Pictures

Your profile picture is your first impression on Facebook most of the time. It's also that stamp of approval that goes by everything you post and comment on, and every message you send. So you want to make sure that it is the perfect representation of YOU! Don't worry, if you follow the tips below, it sure will be!

1. Be sure not to use a picture of yourself! Disregard the fact that this is called, FACEbook, and you would think this means a picture of your face. Or at least your body. Nooooooooo, not at all. Instead, please make it some random video game symbol or a picture of a wild animal. That makes a lot more sense. This is especially helpful if you're just too ugly to find a half-decent picture of yourself to make as your profile picture… Because I am sure that's not the reason people use things other than their face at all…

2. If you've gotten brave, and maybe even a little wild and decided to use that picture of your face, then be sure to make it as artsy as possible. Tilt your head at an uncomfortable angle, put four different special effect filters and change the colors of only half of the objects in the picture. That way, if people can even tell that the mangled blob of lips and ears their staring at is indeed your face, they'll probably vomit from the effort of looking that carefully at it in the first place. Just remember, everyone is an postmodern artist when it comes to their profile picture!

3. If neither of the first two apply to you, and you're just set on using a picture of your actual, unadulterated image, be sure to take the picture yourself in the bathroom mirror. (Bonus points if your iPhone makes it in!) That way, people will be so distracted by the view of your toilet and/or shower curtain in the background, they may not even notice the blurry figure in the bad lighting in the foreground of the picture holding the cell phone. Because if that doesn't say, "SWAG!" I don't know what does.

Part Three: Quick Fixes

For some of us, it is too late to make over our entire Facebook image. We've already committed to the plain old profile picture of ourselves looking attractive or the Facebook statuses that are both meaningful and interesting. It would be utterly time consuming to change your ways now. If that's the case then this section is for you. These are some great quick fixes that will be the boost you need to show others you're Facebook-savvy too!

1. Invite others to play Candy Crush Saga, Dragon Slayer, or Feed my Cow as much as humanly possible.

2. Comment on your own status before anyone else has a chance to. Don't let others beat you to the chance to combat your own wit!

3. Use hashtags on your statuses! Forget the fact that they do nothing except make people clump their words together, the world should know your love for that punctuation mark, and why should Twitter have the monopoly on that?!

4. Have matching profile pictures with someone else. That won't make it confusing at all…

So, there you have it folks. If you're anything like me, then reading this guide will probably be a huge eye opener to you as well. Here, all this time you've been using Facebook completely wrong! But don't worry, there is still time to get your act together and reform your Facebook using ways. It all starts will just one inane status or horrifyingly unattractive profile picture and you're on your way.


**9/1/13 EDIT** I realize that Facebook has added a hashtag feature to their posts. So I suppose that using the beloved hashtag is no longer limited to twitter. Carry on.