It is no
secret to anyone who knows me that I am no health nut. I love eating,
especially if there's a good trans fat present into my meal. Donuts are a
staple to my diet, and I've determined that though a camera adds 10 pounds, a
steady diet of cheetos adds 15. Much like a newborn infant, in order to keep me
happy and stable, I realistically need a snack every 1-2 hours. So, the recent
health craze to eat sugar-free, food dye-free, gluten-free, preservative-free
and taste-free does not sit so well with me or my "cheeseburger a day
keeps the doctor away" philosophy. Now, I understand that for many it is a
necessary evil to cut out certain things from your diet, and I am sure (by some
miracle) people can be convinced that their healthier options taste better, but
I am here to tell you to WAKE UP PEOPLE. Healthy food does make you feel
better, I will absolutely concede to that, but you cannot keep living the lie
that it tastes better. This is what healthy food actually is:
Tea:
Now, I actually like drinking tea, and I think it is almost a
necessary staple to being a teacher, but as one of my dear friends says, tea is
really just some water with plants in it. And most of the time, that is exactly
what it tastes like.
Lettuce:
I also enjoy an occasional salad as well, but the main staple
of a typical salad is lettuce, which as we all know is just leaves that someone
washed and put in the refrigerated section at the grocery store. Seriously,
lettuce has no taste. Or nutritional value. So it's pretty much like eating
crunchy green nothing.
Skim Milk:
There is no possible way that skim milk is actually milk. It
does not taste like milk, it does not have the texture of milk, it is just
water that someone put white food dye in and disguised as ridiculously
overpriced milk. Stop living the lie, save yourself some money, and just put
water on your Special K next time if it is really so important to you.
Celery:
For healthy people, celery is a delicious and crunchy snack.
For people like me, celery is just the vehicle to get as much chocolate sauce
or creamy peanut butter to my mouth as humanly possible. I would consider it
physically painful to eat celery by itself. First of all, it just tastes awful.
There is no way to delude yourself into thinking it's delicious. Second of all,
by the time you are finally done chewing a piece of celery, you have actually
burned more calories than you've consumed. That's just wrong.
Leeks:
I'm not gonna lie, I actually had to google these to
determine what they actually were, but they look like a cross between onion and
garlic, so these babies are no kissing food! Honestly, regardless of your
current make out status, I wouldn't eat them. A food that has as weird of a
name as "leek" is not asking to be consumed, trust me.
Kale:
Kale is just seaweed with a fancy name. Do we really want to
be eating the weed of the sea? I'll leave this rhetorical question to speak for
itself.
Mushrooms:
I know… mushrooms taste good, but in reality they are a
fungus. Do you want to be eating a fungus? Normally people take medication to
get rid of those, not spend exorbitant amounts of money to have pigs locate
them! The logic just isn't there, folks.
Raisins:
Raisins are like the horrible, old, wrinkly grandma of the
grape world. Except they lack all of the wisdom, fun stories, delicious
cookies, and penchant for buying you things that actual grandmas have. So
you're left with all of the gross and none of the fun. Yum.
Cauliflower:
The first time I ever had cauliflower I told my mom that it
tasted like freezer-burned broccoli. And really, it does. Plus it is white,
which takes away all of the personality that broccoli might have. So
cauliflower is, in essence, the grosser, uglier version of broccoli. That's a
bleak future.
Okra:
I have legitimately no idea what this is. But, it looks
sortof like a cross between a pepper and a green bean. However, I have been
informed that it tastes unfortunate. And bitter. And the internet tells me it's
popular for its "mucilaginous" green pods. Mucilaginous?! That sounds
like something you need a decongestant for. Ew.
And despite the fact it rhymes with Oprah, it has nothing in common with
the powerful African American super-celebrity formerly based out of Chicago. So
blah.
Quinoa:
Pronounced "keen-wah" I think this is a grain, but
it looks like tiny fish eggs that have gone bad. So if that's not a promising
description, I don't know what is. My school cafeteria serves this a lot, and
so that's not promising either. I cannot offer personal experience eating this,
because I have never been brave enough, but neither have the borderline
anorexic girls in front of me in the cafeteria lines, so that is surely not
promising.
This list
is really only scraping the surface of revealing the ugly truth behind healthy
foods. I've yet to touch on some of the classic rejects like Brussels sprouts
or prunes, and I've strategically steered clear of popular favorites like Greek
yogurt and hummus. But despite my abbreviated list, it is clear that healthy
foods are just disguising themselves as something edible so that skinny people
can feel better about their culinary decisions. Just say no, people. And eat
some cheetos instead.
Have you seen behind the disguises of any other
healthy foods? Share them in the comments!
Megan
