Seven Reasons I'm Probably Single

Recently people (i.e. my mom and cat, really if I mention "people" on here, you as the reader can just assume that is who I mean) keep asking me how me, the wonderful, fabulous, Megan could possibly be single. And at first, I was confounded. I mean, honestly, I consider myself pretty normal, relatively humorous, and not altogether hideous. But then… I really considered things.

1. When in public I often hum to myself. That goes for pretty much any time I'm not directly speaking to humans. In line waiting for food in the cafeteria, on the way to classes, in the car, etc. I am sure it only adds to the crazy vibe I give off. Today I gave a tour and I caught myself humming as we walked from one building to another. I apologized to the prospective students and their families, and they said it was fine, I was just "very bubbly and energetic" but there is no way they did not suspect that I was in possession of a one-way ticket to crazy town.

2. I am a big ball of awkward. Not only do I have this weird hand shaking problem (Don't worry I looked it up on Web MD and it's either low blood sugar or cocaine abuse, so that's still a toss up.) BUT I also have no ability to make small talk. People ask me about the weather and I'm like, yeah so sunny right, but what are your eschatological views? Oops.

3. And for some reason when I tell stories about my life they always end in awkward and embarrassing reveals about things people probably don't want to know about me. One time a guy asked me about why I chose the college I was attending and it ended with me telling him all of the reasons having a big butt comes in handy in every day life. How? Good question.

4. My main hobbies include eating and napping. The word cheetos is in my everyday vocabulary and I just informed a large group of people a few days ago that my life motto is "You can never have too many cookies." Forget, "Dream Big" or "With God, all things are possible." I thought it was necessary to inform a crowd that my LIFE motto revolved around cookies. My most-used twitter hashtag is "#fattyproblems," and rightly so. I measure time by "how long until I can eat again" and sometimes I attend social events purely for the food. I am actually justa giant sloth with a large vocabulary and the tendency to be overly sarcastic.

5. All of the guys I have ever been close with knew me when I looked like this:

   

   Between the hair and the lips, I'm surprised I didn't have
   to beat off the boys with a baseball bat.

   
   

   

   My awkward years were actually an awkward decade,
   and this was smack dab in the middle of it.

   
   

   

   Seriously. I just can't even...

6. My favorite sport is marathon TV watching. And I am really good at it.

7. I am actually a cat lady in training. Every time I see a picture of a cat I ooh and ahh and get this overwhelming desire to share it with someone. I have my cats listed in my phone contacts. And I actually refer to them as members of the family. Any day now I will be co-hosting birthday parties for strays in the neighborhood. It is just a sign of things to come, and I think men can sense it.

There are probably like 23 other reasons that could make this list, but I'm still trying to keep myself marketable. I mean, who knows, there could be a man out there who is just dying to date an awkward, cat-obsessed, cheeto-loving, possible-cocaine-abusing, spontaneous hummer. And if so, well you know where to find me.

Megan