How to Use (the) Facebook: A Guide for Beginners

I've noticed recently that I have been using Facebook all wrong. Here I thought it was for posting memorable statuses and pictures from my life, for keeping in touch with people that I don't get to see often, and (let's get real here) for creepily stalking anyone and everyone, regardless of how much face-to-face time we've actually spent talking.

But in reality, after careful observation of a choice few of my most active Facebook friends (to be honest, most of my friends have been using it wrong too) I have realized that we're just not using it right. So that is why I offer to you all the first in my series of "How-To" posts: How to Use (the) Facebook, A Guide for Beginners.

DISCLAIMER: The following are all things I have seen on my Facebook news feed several times. So this is real, people. This is the cold, hard truth.

Part One: Posts

Posting on Facebook makes up the majority of the image that you present on this beloved social media site, so you want to make sure that you are doing it right. Don't sweat it though, if you keep reading you'll be well on the path to success.

1. Be sure to be as vague as possible in your statuses while being simultaneously dramatic. Statuses like, "I am SO done with this!", "It's too much to handle" and "Some people just aren't worth it in life- when will I learn that?" And be sure that if (God forbid!) your concerned friends ask what's wrong, you don't answer them. Instead be even more vague, witty nuggets like "Oh, just some people" or "I don't feel like talking about it" are perfect, but so is "Message me! I don't want this going public!" (Forget the fact YOU made it public by posting about it in the first place.) Now, this may seem like a desperate and pathetic cry for help, but TRUST ME, I see this on Facebook often, so clearly, it's what we're going for here. 

2. Update people on your life as much as possible. Especially when it involves awkward "family-only" topics. After all, these are your closest 867 "friends" you wouldn't want them to be in the dark about what you ate for breakfast or what it looked like 4 hours later coming out the other end. Statuses such as, "Today I woke up, cleaned my kitchen, made some curtains, grocery shopped, and cooked dinner, busy day for me!" are perfect examples of this. The more run-of-the-mill and mundane the better!

3. Similar to the last one, are what I like to call "TMI posts." I seem to see these often with new mothers who want to share about their breastfeeding regimen or their baby's bowel movements. But if you're not a new mother, don't let that stop you! The more personal the better. Like I said, you're only showing this to 867 people, some of whom may be your parents, co-workers, ex-boy/girlfriends, you boss, that guy you talked to one time at lunch, etc. They need to know about your poop!

4. Be sure to brag as much as possible. But "cleverly" disguise it with a thinly veiled compliment or thank you shout-out. Something like, "I just want to thank my personal trainer because in just 4 weeks, I have gained 25 lbs of pure muscle and am now the equivalent of a Greek god. NBD." is perfect. Also, be sure to let the world know every time you've worked out, how much you've worked out. But disguise that too! "Just went to the gym! Gotta love early morning productivity" won't make those of us who just woke up at 1 p.m. and are sitting on their couch eating cheetos in their underwear upset at all. No, these statuses will just make those of us who were unaware of  your pure AWESOMENESS before, much better educated. Why let others compliment you genuinely when you can do it yourself and just have them click that "like" button out of guilty obligation?

5. Finally, please post links to sketchy websites telling others why they should eat only  broccoli and tuna for the rest of their lives, how toaster waffles actually cause cancer or how the government is watching them through their TV. Because if your far-fetched and obnoxious opinions haven't gotten painful to listen to in person, you will definitely want to clog everyone's news feeds with it as well. People love your opinions so much I am SURE they will click on that link, run right over to your fancy little website, become instantly converted, and throw away every toaster waffle in their house. And probably every toaster too.

Part Two: Profile Pictures

Your profile picture is your first impression on Facebook most of the time. It's also that stamp of approval that goes by everything you post and comment on, and every message you send. So you want to make sure that it is the perfect representation of YOU! Don't worry, if you follow the tips below, it sure will be!

1. Be sure not to use a picture of yourself! Disregard the fact that this is called, FACEbook, and you would think this means a picture of your face. Or at least your body. Nooooooooo, not at all. Instead, please make it some random video game symbol or a picture of a wild animal. That makes a lot more sense. This is especially helpful if you're just too ugly to find a half-decent picture of yourself to make as your profile picture… Because I am sure that's not the reason people use things other than their face at all…

2. If you've gotten brave, and maybe even a little wild and decided to use that picture of your face, then be sure to make it as artsy as possible. Tilt your head at an uncomfortable angle, put four different special effect filters and change the colors of only half of the objects in the picture. That way, if people can even tell that the mangled blob of lips and ears their staring at is indeed your face, they'll probably vomit from the effort of looking that carefully at it in the first place. Just remember, everyone is an postmodern artist when it comes to their profile picture!

3. If neither of the first two apply to you, and you're just set on using a picture of your actual, unadulterated image, be sure to take the picture yourself in the bathroom mirror. (Bonus points if your iPhone makes it in!) That way, people will be so distracted by the view of your toilet and/or shower curtain in the background, they may not even notice the blurry figure in the bad lighting in the foreground of the picture holding the cell phone. Because if that doesn't say, "SWAG!" I don't know what does.

Part Three: Quick Fixes

For some of us, it is too late to make over our entire Facebook image. We've already committed to the plain old profile picture of ourselves looking attractive or the Facebook statuses that are both meaningful and interesting. It would be utterly time consuming to change your ways now. If that's the case then this section is for you. These are some great quick fixes that will be the boost you need to show others you're Facebook-savvy too!

1. Invite others to play Candy Crush Saga, Dragon Slayer, or Feed my Cow as much as humanly possible.

2. Comment on your own status before anyone else has a chance to. Don't let others beat you to the chance to combat your own wit!

3. Use hashtags on your statuses! Forget the fact that they do nothing except make people clump their words together, the world should know your love for that punctuation mark, and why should Twitter have the monopoly on that?!

4. Have matching profile pictures with someone else. That won't make it confusing at all…

So, there you have it folks. If you're anything like me, then reading this guide will probably be a huge eye opener to you as well. Here, all this time you've been using Facebook completely wrong! But don't worry, there is still time to get your act together and reform your Facebook using ways. It all starts will just one inane status or horrifyingly unattractive profile picture and you're on your way.


**9/1/13 EDIT** I realize that Facebook has added a hashtag feature to their posts. So I suppose that using the beloved hashtag is no longer limited to twitter. Carry on.

Annoying Things People Say

The following are things that people frequently quip, often with little to no thought. I will be the first to admit that I have used nearly every saying on this list, and some of them quite often. In fact, anyone who knows me well knows I ADORE catch phrases and random sayings that I can easily tack onto the end of my sentences in the hopes of preventing others from taking up the valuable talking space that I MYSELF could be filling. Heh. Just kidding about that last part… maybe.

Anyway, without further ado… THE LIST.

1. I am just the kind of person people either love or hate- there's no in between!
• Well, there are also the people who don't know you. Which is who I'd like to be right now.

2. Don't worry, I won't bite!
• Well, that wasn't what I was concerned about. I can promise you that when entering into the current situation that led you to inform me that you will, in fact, not use your incisors in a malicious way, that did not even cross my mind. So please excuse me if I look skeptical of you or your proposition next time, but I promise it's not because I am afraid of what you might do with your teeth.

3. It is what it is.
• Congratulations on just wasting your breath and everyone's time saying absolutely nothing! Perhaps next time, It won't be what it isn't. Or it shall be what it will. In whatever tense or negation you put this puppy, it still reeks of unintelligence. 

4. Well, I guess we're really between a rock and a hard place.
• A rock? Are they really that difficult to get around… I mean, maybe a big boulder, a good covering-the-tomb-of-Jesus sort of stone, but a rock, really? And what exactly is a hard place? Yeah… I don't know either.

5. What's done is done.
• Another quality breath and time waster.

6. Same difference.
• I'm not completely sure whether it's the word "same" or the word "different" that people who use this have trouble understanding. Either way, this saying is idiotic. 

7. No offense but…
• What follows this phrase will inevitably be offensive, but I suppose it's nice that they've warned us with some killer reverse psychology.

8. YOLO (You only live once)
• Well, let's not make this a religious debate, but many might argue that it's not living we do once, but dying. Regardless, this phrase is just stupid. And incredibly overused. Especially when it's just a justification to do stupid stuff that you don't want to explain. In reality, if you really believe you only live once, then you probable would not engage in whatever reckless activity or embarrassing stunt that is soon to follow. 

9. It will be a piece of cake.
• Unfortunately for us fatties who live for a bag of cheetos or a piece of cake, this phrase is never used when actually referring to cake. Instead, people use this saying when talking about something being easy. Which I think is a real affront to cake. Who decided that cake was easy? It sure isn't easy to make, and it certainly isn't easy to burn off at the gym after being eaten. So this statement is not only rude to cake, but also befuddling to anyone with a brain.

10. I don't mean to interrupt but…
• Oh, well if that wasn't your intention when you rudely began talking in the middle of my sentence, then what exactly are you doing? Please. This is just unfortunate.

11. It's always in the last place you look.
• No way. And here I thought that after you find whatever "it" is, you go look in other places for kicks and giggles.

12. It goes without saying that…
• Well if it really goes without saying, then why are you saying it? In fact, why is this entire sentence coming from your mouth? Much like the infamous "It is what it is" or "What's done is done" this entire phrase is just sucking precious oxygen from our world and returning it null and void of any actual redeeming content.

Well, there you have it folks. It goes without saying that there is no hope of getting rid of these gems. It is what it is. Once society picks up on one of these clever sayings, what's done is done and at this point we're really between a rock and a hard place, because even if we were to remove these sayings from common use, other inane ones would most likely soon replace them.

So, any other annoying sayings you think should be added to this list? Leave 'em in the comments, it's a piece of cake!

Megan