66 Excuses to Skip the Gym

If you’re anything like me, going to the gym makes you want to crawl right back into bed. That awful sweaty feeling you get before, during and after you run jog walk briskly is not worth that supposed health benefits that nutritionists, and doctors, and skinny people claim it is. So, to my kindred spirits, I offer you the following: 66 excuses COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE AND VALID reasons to skip the gym:

1. I have a test tomorrow
2. I have a test next week
3. I had a test yesterday, and I need to recover mentally
4. I just really have a lot of reading (my Twitter feed… but who has to know the details?!)
5. I have to take a quiz (on Buzzfeed...)
6. It's too cold out to walk all the way to the gym
7. It's too hot out to walk all the way back from the gym
8. None of my cute workout clothes are clean
9. I just worked out yesterday, I need to rest my muscles… that's totally a real thing
10. I just worked out last week… don't want to break the cycle
11. I haven't worked out in a month, there's no point starting today
12. I just ate, my food needs to digest
13. I need to eat, can't work out on an empty stomach
14. I ate too much, I'm going to be too full… for the rest of the week
15. I already ate somewhat healthy today (disregard the cheeseburger at lunch and that bag of cheetos I just scarfed down) so it wouldn't be fair to my body to work out too!
16. I haven't eaten healthy at all today, I don't want all those fat calories to turn to under-quality muscle… that's totally a real thing too

17. I might sweat and I don't have time to shower

18. If I workout, I am just making more laundry for myself and clearly wasting money

19. I might miss catching my favorite TV show

20. I need to update my workout playlist first
21. I might miss a time of real productivity
22. I promised my friend I would go with her… I'll wait for her to text me
23. I'm having a good hair day… I can't let the gym mess that up!
24. I'm have a bad hair day… my obligatory gym selfie would look terrible!
25. I like having curves! I don't need to workout to feel good about myself. (although it might help me to walk up stairs without feeling breathless…)
26. I think I have a headache
27. I think I have a stomachache

28. I should really call my mom

29. I should really call my grandma
30. I already got in my pajamas so… that's a lot of effort
31. I was just about to get in my pajamas

32. I should probably do the dishes

33. Or take out the trash

34. Come to think of it, I haven't flossed in a while

35. I should definitely organize my DVD collection RIGHT NOW.
36. I should definitely check Pinterest for new workout ideas before I go

37. I have to feed my cat…

38. Oh wait… I have to get a cat so I can feed it
39. I bet cats wouldn't go to the gym, why should you succumb
40. I don't want to get so fit I become one of those people who brags about working out all the time on social media
41. I also don't want to be one of those fat people who talks about working out, and everyone is like, "Yeah, might want to find a new hobby, yours doesn't seem to be working for you…"
42. Did I say I should vacuum yet? Yeah… I should vaccuum.
43. My Netflix doesn't stream very well on the gym wifi

44. I think I lost one of my tennis shoes

45. I don't have good socks for the gym

46. My bangs don't pull up into a good "gym ponytail" right now

47. I should really catch up on my schoolwork

48. I should really catch up on my sleep
49. I should really catch up on the latest episode of New Girl

50. It's possible I have a pulled muscle
51. Or I could pull a muscle at the gym… no one wants that!
52. I need to renew my library books
53. But first I need to check out some library books so I have something to renew

54. Paul says to pray without ceasing and that starts now… step aside gym, I am PRAYING.
55. I can't fill up my Camelback because I don't have a filter for my Brita
56. I'm thirsty… don't want to be dehydrated at the gym
57. I have a meeting (in 4 hours) wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize my punctuality
58. I should check my email first

59. And probably my Twitter feed

60. And definitely Instagram

61. And while I'm at it, I might as well look at Facebook

62. I'm sortof bored er… depressed. I should definitely make some cookies to cheer myself up!

63. No point in going to the gym after I've eaten cookies… everyone knows that

64. I haven't exfoliated in a while. I should really get on that.

65. Did someone say "Taco Bell run?!"

66. Honestly, I have a blog post to write.

Live that fatty life!

Megan

Why Being Skinny is Overrated

So, I began today with a new goal to be skinny by summer break. Okay. Maybe not skinny, but really just able to fit into my jeans again (because my yoga pants are actually beginning to show some wear… and that is a struggle) and I would love the ability to climb a flight of stairs without having to disguise my heavy breathing with some well-timed yawns (come on, people, we've all been there). But seriously, after semi-failing at lunch and eating some chicken sandwich thing, and having the world's strangest salad with a lot of strange unidentifiable objects in it at dinner, I'm sitting here right now with the "food drawer" of my desk (yeah, it's a thing) opened, oogling the latest bag of cheetos that my sorority sisters bought me. (They completely feed my addiction, and I love them for it.)

It leads me to contemplate: is it really worth it? Is being skinny really that great, or is time to break out the bag of chocolate truffles I have hidden in my "teaching resources" box? See, I think the reality is: that just like blondes, curvy girls just have more fun, and here are 13 reasons why:

1.  You know that picture that says, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"? Well I beg to differ. Now I've never been skinny, but um, are you really telling me that it's as great as cheese fries, bacon, milkshakes, a delicious juicy cheeseburger or cookies straight out of the oven? Probs not.

2. There are some seriously hot curvy women. Um Marilyn Monroe is like America's sex symbol, and hello, BEYONCE. Just saying.

3. I have visibly witnessed people on diets literally drooling at the sight of pizza or other food that tastes good. Is that really so much more attractive then some healthy curves?!

4. One of my sorority sisters also made me this list of songs appreciating big butts. And if multiple genres of music have this kind of love for booties, then how can we argue?

5. No one wants to be that person who says they're not eating fries because they're on a diet, but then proceeds to steal fries off of everyone else's plate. Don't be a fry stealer.

6. There is nothing less fun than going to the gym just to run on the treadmill to nowhere or lift heavy pounds of metal just to set them right back down. I don't care what people say about "endorphins" or "science" just go casually observe people in the gym, and tell me if they look like they're having half as much fun as people eating ice cream right now.

7. If you never try to lose weight in the first place, then you never have to feel guilty for inevitably gaining it back.

8. And there's no such thing as a "cheat day" in your diet, because every day is filled with good food!

9. I know we were ignoring "science" earlier in number 6, but I think we can trust it when it says that men like curvy women! They actually prefer them for a bunch of reasons that you can google if you really want to. Yeah, that's right. The internet says so too, so girls you have it from at least two reliable sources.

10. Want to feel skinny? Buy a "skinny mirror," use photoshop, or just turn down the lights. INSTANT SKINNINESS. And you can eat a milkshake while do all that.

11. The phrase "fat and happy" exists for a reason, people.

12. So does the phrase "more to love."

13. During the time I've been working on this blog post, I have gone from "relatively hungry" to "starving" to "contemplating eating my arm" status. I blame salad. If I had eaten a cheeseburger for dinner, this would not have been a problem. Skinny people food is actually having the opposite affect it should have on me.

Honestly, there are probably more reasons but my nutrient-starved body really needs more real food to come up with them. But the bottom line is, being skinny is not all it's cracked up to be. I read recently, that nothing is sexier than a woman who is confident in her own skin–except a woman who is confident in her own skin AND would like an order of cheese fries. And I would absolutely support that truth.

Now excuse me while I go order some limited-edition Oreos off of Amazon that I spent half of a class searching for today while simultaneously scarfing down a bag of sour gummy worms. 

New Years Resolutions People Should Actually Make

As the new year begins, people around the world have made their annual resolutions: promises to themselves that during the new year they will do things better. Popular resolutions involve things like losing weight and only eating lettuce for the foreseeable future or using your time better and never getting on Facebook again. But I recently heard that only 8% of people (or something) keep their resolutions, and chances are, most people will have broken their resolutions by the end of this week. I think that is primarily because people make resolutions that are unrealistic and ridiculous.

Sure, for the first few weeks you can make your best effort but after awhile your resolve to lose weight will slip in the face of a delicious slice of cheesecake or a fresh bag of cheetos. And it might be easy to avoid Facebook with the excitement of the holidays upon you, but pretty soon you'll be stuck bored at a stoplight or waiting in line at the store, and what else are you going to do during those spare 2 minutes but update your status and virtually creep on your 400 closest friends?

And so, my dear readers, that is when I offer you some alternative resolutions. Put aside the traditional, overachieving goals, and instead take on some things that you can really do, and some things that, in the end, will make this world a better place.

1. Ignore the serving size on packages of food

Everything we eat has that nagging little number on the back that tells you how much you should eat. A half a cup of pasta or 2 tablespoons of cheese dip. There is so much that is wrong with the idea of the serving size. For one, who has a mental image of how much a half a cup or 2 tablespoons is? I would imagine not many people do. Second, how dare some corporate company tell me how many potato chips or how many oreos I should eat?! They don't know me. They don't know how hungry or bored I am at that point. So, this year I vow to ignore the serving size and eat what I want, when I want.

2. Take more selfies

What social media- and really ALL- of the internet needs right now is more spontaneous snapshots OF you taken BY you. Because when you think you're looking good, the world deserves to see you too. Whether it's during a car ride, while sitting in class, or on your way to the dentist, don't be afraid to share your selfie with the world. And please, try to post some song lyrics as a caption to make it more poignant. Or, if you still feel pathetic and desperate posting pictures of yourself, you can always disguise it with a clever caption like, "Ooh! Loving this cold weather!" or "About to bake cookies!" or "Blonde hair, don't care!" (whatever that means…).

3. Devote more time to napping

I don't care what people say, everyone can appreciate a good nap. When timed right and done instead of something that actually needs to be accomplished, the nap can be a beautiful and valuable activity. So get on it, people, and sleep more in this coming year. You'll be happier, and more well-rested.

4. Substitute dessert for real meals on a regular basis

Who needs actual food when you can survive on cake, cookies, ice cream and pie?! Trust me, you will totally feel full after eating a meal made solely of dessert and you'll be happier too.

5. Wear clothes that feel as much like pajamas as possible

Why dress in clothes to impress other people when you can dress in clothes that make you ready for a nap at any minute?! Not only will this make resolution number three easier to accomplish, but you will also be a much more relaxed and happy person. If the only reason you put on real pants is to impress your friends, give it up! Your friends will probably admire your willpower to do what's comfortable (at least to your face).

6. Get distracted on the internet more often

The internet is both the procrastinator's best friend and worst nightmare. Nothing else in the history of time has allowed you to spend hours doing meaningless and time-wasting activities like viewing pictures of cats and stalking your ex-boyfriend while feeling entertained, informed, and productive simultaneously. So give into your urge to spend the next 2 hours viewing buzzfeed articles that help you to relate to the rest of fat, lazy, and over-privileged Americans by making this a resolution.

These are just a few suggestions to inspire you to live your life to the fullest and make resolutions that really can be followed. I myself have stuck to nearly all of these so far this year, and so I have faith that you can too!

Best of luck with your own resolutions,

Megan