State of the Union: Megan Edition

The number of people who have viewed my blog recently hit quadruple digits, and so I decided for all of my loyal followers, it is time for a life update! Lots of EXCITING (READ: mundane and predictable) things have been going on in my life and I have been pretty much PARTYING (READ: working minimum wage jobs) 24/7.

During the day, I nanny full time for a lovely 12-year-old girl is pretty much a professional ballerina. She could absolutely kick my butt when it comes to P90X, and she can also finish off a frozen pizza single-handedly. (Needless to say, a girl after my own heart. I wonder how she feels about Cheetos…) We mostly spend our days lying out at the pool or lying out on the couch and watching Disney channel. She also has a pet bird named Fawkes. This bird is no normal bird. It doesn't fly, but rather likes to snuggle all day long with the little ballerina. So he's more like a tiny, feathered dog than a bird. Even though he is nothing but lovey with my little charge, he literally despises me. When I get within 5 feet of him or even remotely make eye contact, he squawks incredibly loudly and scurries away. But that doesn't stop him from leaving little "presents" all over the house for me to clean up throughout the day. Delightful really.

At night, you can find me at Rita's Italian Ice, serving customers their be-sprinkled ice cream treats, and eating my weight in gummy bears. The worst thing Rita's ever did was decide that they should add toppings, because now I feel the need to eat pretty much my salary's worth of candy every shift to make up for the raise I've neglected to get this past 5 years. 

In reality, I haven't done anything close to important of impressive. I have been busy perfecting the Instagram selfie, pinning lots of crafts tutorials and dessert recipes I will never use from Pinterest, and brainstorming ideas for this blog. I have also been studiously pursuing the "24 hour diet" about once a week where I eat healthily for approximately one day but then give up as soon as I see some cheetos the next morning. I have practically given up on the gym, but I do dutifully drive past it several times a week with guilty shame. 

I have also become an avid Snapchat user (which has really aided my pursuit of the perfect selfie). Recently this extremely attractive stranger named Sean has been snapping me. He is from England and really likes The Gladiator. I have no idea how he came to be snapping me, but it's a delightful surprise to have pictures of English towns and adorable somewhat English phrases like "My mates are round chilling" sent to me on a regular basis. We may or may not get married. But considering we mostly talk about the weather and time differences, I think it's promising.

I did have the opportunity to take a trip to the beach with my lovely family where the beginnings of my white girl tan that I had been perfecting in the blow-up pool in my backyard really came to fruition. I enjoyed the last few beautiful moments I might have to eat fresh seafood on the Eastern shore before I journey back to the cold, oceanless land of western PA where all of the restaurants claim to serve "Maryland Famous Crabcakes," yet rarely deliver on the promise. 

As mentioned before, I also just spent a week visiting with one of my best friends and college roommates in Virginia named Meghan. I got a taste of the rich Southern prep life that Meghan has so carefully cultivated. We took plenty of selfies, plenty of naps, and plenty of trips to the mall. It was such a fun trip, and it was so great to see her and her family.

Well, that's really my Summer in a nutshell. My Junior year at Grove City starts in less than a month, and needless to say, I am very excited. As delightful as Summer is, nothing beats the freedom and fun that come with college.

Don't Judge A Blond By Her Cover

Right now I am sitting in a train on the way to visit one of my best friends, and future college roommate, in Virginia. Across from me is this guy who has taken 2 smoke breaks since I got on the train half an hour ago, who is intensely listening to his music, is reading a book titled "Hell", drinking a poorly disguised beer out of a can in a paper bag and is currently rubbing some kind of ointment all over the tattoo on his arm. Yeah. This is real life. Thank you Baltimore for keeping it classy as always.

However, despite all of these obvious signs, I am trying my best not to label this guy. I am also refusing to make eye contact (mostly because my mother is convinced that any minute I will probably be sold into white slavery). But because in addition to all of the things mentioned above, I have also noticed him helping a woman with her baggage at the last stop he took his smoke break, politely waving to the guy who just walked by and smiling kindly at these adorable children that are playing in the seats across from us. When he stretched his feet out, he made sure that he wasn't accidentally kicking me. Also- I glimpsed his iPod and he is actually rocking out to Taylor Swift right now. I am not making this stuff up, people. Seriously.

But mostly I am trying not to judge him because the same could be said of me. Take one look at me right now, sitting here with my bleached blond hair and yoga pants, iPhone in  hand and Vera Bradley bag beside me and I look like the picture of an over-privileged, vapid sorority girl. Which I am… sort-of. Well I hope I am not vapid (and I think that using that word correctly in context would help prove the opposite.) My point really, is that there is so much more to me than first appearances, and that even the people that know me the BEST don't know everything about me.

From first glance at me, you might not think my vocabulary is expansive, that my Vera Bradley bag is just a gift from a job that I am working to pay for college expenses, that my bleached blond hair came from a five dollar bottle I paid for with coupons in Walgreens. And I certainly don't think for a second that the guy across from me would expect me to pull the Lord of the Rings trilogy from my bag once I finish this blog entry and devour it voraciously. Which I will. Or that these yoga pants are just sucking in the tummy that's had one too many bags of Cheetos. Or that I chose to attend the college whose logo is emblazoned across my laptop because of it's strong Christian worldview and conservative values. Or that the music coming out of my headphones is from Mozart's Marriage of Figaro.

This past year at college I remember a guy telling me that the first time he met me he assumed I was a complete idiot and that we really wouldn't get along at all. Of course, he told me that promptly after I had used a vocabulary word of which he did not know the meaning. I was so surprised that me, the top-of-her-class, classically educated Megan Rossi, could ever be perceived as anything short of brilliant. But the thing is, that this guy is hardly the first or last to see me this way. 

That's because as human beings, we are so quick to write people off when they don't look like us, or make assumptions based on appearance. (And maybe that's okay… after all, we do choose how we want to present ourselves to the world.) But I also think that you ought to look more deeply at the people around you, and really notice them before you judge them. Because most of the time, people's appearances and their actions have so much more to them then you might think.

I know… this was totally a cliché post, and hardly full of the sarcastic wit that you've come to expect of me. But I was just feeling preachy, and this blog seemed like the perfect place to trick people into reading… er, I mean share my views with people. 

How to Use (the) Facebook: A Guide for Beginners

I've noticed recently that I have been using Facebook all wrong. Here I thought it was for posting memorable statuses and pictures from my life, for keeping in touch with people that I don't get to see often, and (let's get real here) for creepily stalking anyone and everyone, regardless of how much face-to-face time we've actually spent talking.

But in reality, after careful observation of a choice few of my most active Facebook friends (to be honest, most of my friends have been using it wrong too) I have realized that we're just not using it right. So that is why I offer to you all the first in my series of "How-To" posts: How to Use (the) Facebook, A Guide for Beginners.

DISCLAIMER: The following are all things I have seen on my Facebook news feed several times. So this is real, people. This is the cold, hard truth.

Part One: Posts

Posting on Facebook makes up the majority of the image that you present on this beloved social media site, so you want to make sure that you are doing it right. Don't sweat it though, if you keep reading you'll be well on the path to success.

1. Be sure to be as vague as possible in your statuses while being simultaneously dramatic. Statuses like, "I am SO done with this!", "It's too much to handle" and "Some people just aren't worth it in life- when will I learn that?" And be sure that if (God forbid!) your concerned friends ask what's wrong, you don't answer them. Instead be even more vague, witty nuggets like "Oh, just some people" or "I don't feel like talking about it" are perfect, but so is "Message me! I don't want this going public!" (Forget the fact YOU made it public by posting about it in the first place.) Now, this may seem like a desperate and pathetic cry for help, but TRUST ME, I see this on Facebook often, so clearly, it's what we're going for here. 

2. Update people on your life as much as possible. Especially when it involves awkward "family-only" topics. After all, these are your closest 867 "friends" you wouldn't want them to be in the dark about what you ate for breakfast or what it looked like 4 hours later coming out the other end. Statuses such as, "Today I woke up, cleaned my kitchen, made some curtains, grocery shopped, and cooked dinner, busy day for me!" are perfect examples of this. The more run-of-the-mill and mundane the better!

3. Similar to the last one, are what I like to call "TMI posts." I seem to see these often with new mothers who want to share about their breastfeeding regimen or their baby's bowel movements. But if you're not a new mother, don't let that stop you! The more personal the better. Like I said, you're only showing this to 867 people, some of whom may be your parents, co-workers, ex-boy/girlfriends, you boss, that guy you talked to one time at lunch, etc. They need to know about your poop!

4. Be sure to brag as much as possible. But "cleverly" disguise it with a thinly veiled compliment or thank you shout-out. Something like, "I just want to thank my personal trainer because in just 4 weeks, I have gained 25 lbs of pure muscle and am now the equivalent of a Greek god. NBD." is perfect. Also, be sure to let the world know every time you've worked out, how much you've worked out. But disguise that too! "Just went to the gym! Gotta love early morning productivity" won't make those of us who just woke up at 1 p.m. and are sitting on their couch eating cheetos in their underwear upset at all. No, these statuses will just make those of us who were unaware of  your pure AWESOMENESS before, much better educated. Why let others compliment you genuinely when you can do it yourself and just have them click that "like" button out of guilty obligation?

5. Finally, please post links to sketchy websites telling others why they should eat only  broccoli and tuna for the rest of their lives, how toaster waffles actually cause cancer or how the government is watching them through their TV. Because if your far-fetched and obnoxious opinions haven't gotten painful to listen to in person, you will definitely want to clog everyone's news feeds with it as well. People love your opinions so much I am SURE they will click on that link, run right over to your fancy little website, become instantly converted, and throw away every toaster waffle in their house. And probably every toaster too.

Part Two: Profile Pictures

Your profile picture is your first impression on Facebook most of the time. It's also that stamp of approval that goes by everything you post and comment on, and every message you send. So you want to make sure that it is the perfect representation of YOU! Don't worry, if you follow the tips below, it sure will be!

1. Be sure not to use a picture of yourself! Disregard the fact that this is called, FACEbook, and you would think this means a picture of your face. Or at least your body. Nooooooooo, not at all. Instead, please make it some random video game symbol or a picture of a wild animal. That makes a lot more sense. This is especially helpful if you're just too ugly to find a half-decent picture of yourself to make as your profile picture… Because I am sure that's not the reason people use things other than their face at all…

2. If you've gotten brave, and maybe even a little wild and decided to use that picture of your face, then be sure to make it as artsy as possible. Tilt your head at an uncomfortable angle, put four different special effect filters and change the colors of only half of the objects in the picture. That way, if people can even tell that the mangled blob of lips and ears their staring at is indeed your face, they'll probably vomit from the effort of looking that carefully at it in the first place. Just remember, everyone is an postmodern artist when it comes to their profile picture!

3. If neither of the first two apply to you, and you're just set on using a picture of your actual, unadulterated image, be sure to take the picture yourself in the bathroom mirror. (Bonus points if your iPhone makes it in!) That way, people will be so distracted by the view of your toilet and/or shower curtain in the background, they may not even notice the blurry figure in the bad lighting in the foreground of the picture holding the cell phone. Because if that doesn't say, "SWAG!" I don't know what does.

Part Three: Quick Fixes

For some of us, it is too late to make over our entire Facebook image. We've already committed to the plain old profile picture of ourselves looking attractive or the Facebook statuses that are both meaningful and interesting. It would be utterly time consuming to change your ways now. If that's the case then this section is for you. These are some great quick fixes that will be the boost you need to show others you're Facebook-savvy too!

1. Invite others to play Candy Crush Saga, Dragon Slayer, or Feed my Cow as much as humanly possible.

2. Comment on your own status before anyone else has a chance to. Don't let others beat you to the chance to combat your own wit!

3. Use hashtags on your statuses! Forget the fact that they do nothing except make people clump their words together, the world should know your love for that punctuation mark, and why should Twitter have the monopoly on that?!

4. Have matching profile pictures with someone else. That won't make it confusing at all…

So, there you have it folks. If you're anything like me, then reading this guide will probably be a huge eye opener to you as well. Here, all this time you've been using Facebook completely wrong! But don't worry, there is still time to get your act together and reform your Facebook using ways. It all starts will just one inane status or horrifyingly unattractive profile picture and you're on your way.


**9/1/13 EDIT** I realize that Facebook has added a hashtag feature to their posts. So I suppose that using the beloved hashtag is no longer limited to twitter. Carry on.

Annoying Things People Say

The following are things that people frequently quip, often with little to no thought. I will be the first to admit that I have used nearly every saying on this list, and some of them quite often. In fact, anyone who knows me well knows I ADORE catch phrases and random sayings that I can easily tack onto the end of my sentences in the hopes of preventing others from taking up the valuable talking space that I MYSELF could be filling. Heh. Just kidding about that last part… maybe.

Anyway, without further ado… THE LIST.

1. I am just the kind of person people either love or hate- there's no in between!
• Well, there are also the people who don't know you. Which is who I'd like to be right now.

2. Don't worry, I won't bite!
• Well, that wasn't what I was concerned about. I can promise you that when entering into the current situation that led you to inform me that you will, in fact, not use your incisors in a malicious way, that did not even cross my mind. So please excuse me if I look skeptical of you or your proposition next time, but I promise it's not because I am afraid of what you might do with your teeth.

3. It is what it is.
• Congratulations on just wasting your breath and everyone's time saying absolutely nothing! Perhaps next time, It won't be what it isn't. Or it shall be what it will. In whatever tense or negation you put this puppy, it still reeks of unintelligence. 

4. Well, I guess we're really between a rock and a hard place.
• A rock? Are they really that difficult to get around… I mean, maybe a big boulder, a good covering-the-tomb-of-Jesus sort of stone, but a rock, really? And what exactly is a hard place? Yeah… I don't know either.

5. What's done is done.
• Another quality breath and time waster.

6. Same difference.
• I'm not completely sure whether it's the word "same" or the word "different" that people who use this have trouble understanding. Either way, this saying is idiotic. 

7. No offense but…
• What follows this phrase will inevitably be offensive, but I suppose it's nice that they've warned us with some killer reverse psychology.

8. YOLO (You only live once)
• Well, let's not make this a religious debate, but many might argue that it's not living we do once, but dying. Regardless, this phrase is just stupid. And incredibly overused. Especially when it's just a justification to do stupid stuff that you don't want to explain. In reality, if you really believe you only live once, then you probable would not engage in whatever reckless activity or embarrassing stunt that is soon to follow. 

9. It will be a piece of cake.
• Unfortunately for us fatties who live for a bag of cheetos or a piece of cake, this phrase is never used when actually referring to cake. Instead, people use this saying when talking about something being easy. Which I think is a real affront to cake. Who decided that cake was easy? It sure isn't easy to make, and it certainly isn't easy to burn off at the gym after being eaten. So this statement is not only rude to cake, but also befuddling to anyone with a brain.

10. I don't mean to interrupt but…
• Oh, well if that wasn't your intention when you rudely began talking in the middle of my sentence, then what exactly are you doing? Please. This is just unfortunate.

11. It's always in the last place you look.
• No way. And here I thought that after you find whatever "it" is, you go look in other places for kicks and giggles.

12. It goes without saying that…
• Well if it really goes without saying, then why are you saying it? In fact, why is this entire sentence coming from your mouth? Much like the infamous "It is what it is" or "What's done is done" this entire phrase is just sucking precious oxygen from our world and returning it null and void of any actual redeeming content.

Well, there you have it folks. It goes without saying that there is no hope of getting rid of these gems. It is what it is. Once society picks up on one of these clever sayings, what's done is done and at this point we're really between a rock and a hard place, because even if we were to remove these sayings from common use, other inane ones would most likely soon replace them.

So, any other annoying sayings you think should be added to this list? Leave 'em in the comments, it's a piece of cake!

Megan

An Ode to the Customer

 I have worked in a local Italian Ice shop for the past five years, and I really do like my job. The people I work with are fun, and I get free Italian Ice and Custard every time I work… which, aside from an unlimited supply of cheetos, is clearly a fatty's dream. So I cannot really complain. However, nearly every shift, I or my co-workers have to deal with a customer who is convinced that we have absolutely no idea what we're doing. Or a customer who has specifications for their dessert treat that would befuddle the architects of Versailles palace. Or a customer who is shocked and appalled that we don't have their favorite flavor in a special golden tin reserved just for them. And so for them I write the following:

They say the customer's always right,

But that is just not true.

This has created quite a plight,

That's made me oh so blue.

For every day I go to work,

To serve treats to the masses.

But every time there comes a jerk,

That ruins my shift as it passes.

For customers, they seem to think,

That they know what they're doing.

So when unhappy they cause a stink,

And start with complaints eschewing.

"That custard? It is much too small!"

Or "that has too much fudge!"

People have got too much gall,

For all my treats to judge.

"Did I say mango? I didn't mean it,

Clearly I meant cherry."

Was I supposed to read your mind?

Now that is just plain scary!

I think that after all these years,

I know how to make your food.

So please, sir, save your tears,

Or else you're really screwed.

Because as soon as you bother me,

About the state of your ice.

I am clearly much less likely

To continue being nice.

And I can absolutely promise you

That yelling will do no good.

For all the insults you can spew

Hardly convince me that I should

Make you a new treat

That's better than the last,

Something you can actually eat,

Reminiscent of treats past.

Because last time what you got

Was better than ever before

So you throw a fit cuz it's not

Available today in our store.

I know this probably will appall,

But flavors… we've got fifty.

So while we'd like to have them all,

It really just is not thrifty.

So please just pick another one,

And move on with your life,

It's just dessert and done,

It's not worth all this strife!

So next time that you go out

And get yourself a treat

From your lips should spout

A chant we'll now repeat:

The customer has got no clue,

In fact, they might be batty

Instead I know what you should do,

Just eat the treat you fatty!

So next time you visit your local dessert shop, remember that the employees probably did their best to make your treat the correct size and put the right amount of each topping on the right place that you vaguely directed. If we don't have your favorite flavor, just pick a different one, don't ask if we're actually hiding extra in the back (I promise you that there is no conspiracy against you) or throw a temper tantrum and insist that we make it "RIGHT NOW!" And on the off chance that we make a mistake, remember that we're all human, even the fine employees of that establishment.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Summer...

So I have been home from college for a week already and this Summer is already flying by. Just last week my dad arrived at my dorm door with a collapsible hand truck he purchased just to move me out of my dorm, several bungee cords, and like 5 commercial sized trash bags. Moving out is no joke to my father. We proceeded to move all of my belongings out of my room. I like to consider myself a minimalist, but after moving out enough clothing and shoes to clothe half of Africa and enough craft supplies to stock your local Hobby Lobby, I began to re-think that label. Halfway between packing my eighth pair of colored ballet flats and my sixty-five marker Sharpie collection, I realized that I possess entirely too much stuff. But regardless, my dad and I succeeded in packing up the car in a way that defies all the laws of space and gravity and driving back to Maryland.

Since my homecoming I have done several important, and obviously life changing things. First off, as all of my loyal followers have probably noticed, I decided to change the template on my blog to something that was more fitting to the style of my writing than it's previous theme. I just felt that my current blog theme "Ethereal" really did not fit my tendencies to rant sarcastically and talk about food. Looking for a new theme that defined me did not prove as successful as I had hoped it would be. None of the things that I searched for rendered any results. "Naps" was a no-go, as was my search for "cheetos." Naturally after those fails I did not even try "viral cat memes" or "pithy remarks." Instead I settled on one called "Matala" because if that doesn't scream cheeto-loving, sarcastic college blogger, I don't know what does.

A few days into break, I decided to renew my gym membership from last summer. After a lengthy ordeal with the BRILLIANT (read: complete idiot) girl that worked the front desk, I was officially one of those people who pays to run, walk and bike nowhere and lift heavy pounds of nothing. Because while I really do like going to the gym, the irony of "running" 10 miles without actually going anywhere and "lifting" 100 pounds without actually accomplishing anything is not lost on me. (Disclaimer: I neither run 10 miles nor lift 100 pounds on a regular basis… but hopefully that is obvious.) My first day back to the gym I rolled in wearing my knock-off Nike shorts that are actually from Walmart and my sporty bra, and proceeded to do a standard workout, one that I am used to and have done probably 50 times. 

I thought I would go easy on myself the first day back, ease into the Summer workout plan that will inevitably devolve into me paying $10 a month to drive by the gym guiltily on my way to and from work. But apparently I was not easy enough on myself, because at the end of my workout I proceeded to pass out. Now I have never passed out in my life. I don't do things like that. I give blood, and run for miles, and go without eating for hours and I am completely fine. But not that day. No, instead I found myself on the floor surrounded by well-meaning elderly folks and mothers and, of course, another "brilliant" desk attendant, all of whom were very worried about my well-being. I was mostly worried about my pride, which at that moment had taken an incredible hit, but I managed to convince them I was fine, that I didn't need emergency treatment, and that this was just a low blood sugar incident or something. I sincerely hope this never happens again, but from the whole experience I gained a huge dose of humility, a free juice, and a pounding headache. It was a treat.

The only other thing I've really done since being home, aside from an alarming number of hours playing computer games and watching an obscene number of 90s sitcom re-runs, has been to return to the Italian Ice shop that I have worked in for the past five summers. But more on that later. I wouldn't want to give away all of the fun in my first Summer blog post! What does Summer have in store for me, you may ask? Well a lot of working, and hopefully a lot of fun, but definitely a lot of blogging, because nothing fuels my sarcastic synapses like this Maryland Summer heat, so stay tuned, because by the looks of this first entry, you are in for one WILD (read: mundane, and completely ordinary) ride!

Five Stages of Studying for Finals

It's the end of finals week(end) at Grove City, and in honor of the countless hours of studying I and my fellow peers have done, I present to you the Five Stages of Studying:

1. Denial: this first, and really formative stage of studying is crucial. So what if you have a huge test in five hours, it's a whole five hours from now! There is plenty of time to nap, watch reruns on TV, and eat cheetos. You'll get there eventually, but until then you have a Facebook to check and countless devoted followers to tweet at.

2. Anger: Once the stage of denial passes, and you dust off your textbook that was propping up your TV and print out that study guide that an overachiever emailed to you, anger sets in. "How dare my professor make me study for this final?! Haven't I done enough for this guy already? As if the past three tests I crammed for and the several drafts of papers I procrastinated weren't enough, now he wants me to take another test on information I've probably already been tested on! This world isn't fair! This college hates me! GAHHHHHH!" So you sit there sortof studying meanwhile fuming with righteous indignation.

3. Bargaining: After the anger passes, and you realize that every college student in the history of college has taken finals, you begin to bargain with yourself. Things like, "If I study for these next 4 hours, then I can take a break and buy an entire pizza to eat by myself" or "If I just memorize these 200 note cards I will be done with studying." begin to slip into your head. Pretty soon, with the prospects of lots of fattening food or a nap on the horizon, studying becomes possible and you are actually motivated to get started.

4. Depression: Approximately 12 minutes into studying you realize that your expectations for yourself were really unrealistic, and that the only things you can do for 4 hours consistently are nap and look at cat pictures on the internet. And that 2 flashcards of memorization is incredibly difficult, let alone the 200 you have in front of you. So you just lay your head down on the desk and cry for a while. There's no way your going to pass now!

5. Acceptance: Drying your tears, you sit up and realize that maybe this won't be so bad, if you just sit down and do it. So, with about 2 hours to spare, you sit down and accept that you've got to study for finals. That you're not going to die, and that maybe just maybe you'll pass this thing.

After traversing through the emotional turmoil of the five stages of grief er… finals, you will be ready to study. But I cannot guarantee you'll be ready for your test. So good luck to those who haven't taken your finals yet, and just remember that this is a natural process.