After my
posts about being single, I feel it's only fair for me to offer some advice to
all you single ladies about how to alter that state of singleness and get the
man of your dreams. We’ve all seen how I rolled in my awkward years after
reading this post, so it can come as no surprise to you that my experience with
men on a romantic level was virtually non-existent until I reached the age of
eighteen. That's not to say I didn't nurse some pretty hard core crushes prior
to my foray into the dating world, so that may have colored my opinions and
advice when it comes to "seducing" men, but I'll leave that to you,
my loyal fan base, to decide for yourselves.
Step One:
Acquire Your Target
Before you do anything else, you need to find that man that
makes your heart all aflutter with little love butterflies, or whatever that
means. It's best if you choose a guy that has no clue you even exist on the
planet, especially if he is seriously popular and/or more attractive than you.
The more unattainable the better, and the less you know about him, the better.
So what if you only saw him that one time waiting in line to pay for your cheetos? So what if the only time you ever see him is when you creep on him from
behind the library shelves? This will just make your conquest all the more
satisfying in the end.
Step Two:
Gather Intel
After you've found your man, make sure you learn everything
you possibly can about him. Begin with his Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and
work your way from there. Don't actually friend request or follow him! God
forbid he know that you exist before the time is right. You want to make sure
that you are intimately acquainted with every small detail of his life before
he realizes that you are a person. That way, upon your first encounter you will
be able to ask creepy and overly detailed questions while he is just barely
learning your name. You can say, "So, how's your brother doing in 11th
grade? Is he still struggling in Calculus?" He can say, "What's your
name again?" You can respond, "Your mother's wedding dress was
gorgeous, do you think she still has it?" and he can answer "So do we
go to the same school?" Perfection. But let's not get hasty and rush to
the first meeting yet… we have several steps to go before that.
Step Three:
Surveillance
After you have used social media, college records, and the
social security database to determine as much as possible about your beloved
(is it too soon to call him this? Probably not, after all you know more about
him than most young married couples know about each other…) you should begin to
observe him from a distance. Anyone worth their salt at this point will know
his entire waking schedule, so this should be easy. Make sure to keep your
distance, and keep from being seen. Hiding behind pillars, under benches and in
bushes to avoid being seen is not too far out of the line of duty. Spend a good
portion of each day observing him like this, and soon you'll be ready to make
contact. Some people might call this "stalking" but I think they're
overreacting. You are just being thorough, my dear, and there is no harm in
that (and that is what you should tell law enforcement, should it ever come to
that).
Step Four:
Making Initial Contact
At this point, you should be ready to make direct contact
with the target. You will have a good grasp on his hobbies, lifestyle habits,
and daily routine so it should be a breeze to carefully plan your first
meeting. No gesture is too outrageous at this point, after all, this is the man
of your dreams! Make yourself pretty girl! Is wearing your prom dress going too far? Probably not! Is dressing up like his favorite TV show/book/movie
character too much of a commitment? Not for true love! Throwing (large enough
that we will wake up in a panic) rocks at his window in the middle of the
night? Arriving at his dorm room with a huge stereo on your shoulder playing his favorite band? Completely normal. Totally realistic. You need to make this
count, because trust me, after this initial meeting he will not be able to
forget you.
Step Five:
Attaining Regular Contact
If all goes well, after your first meeting, your man will not
be able to stop thinking about you. But if you're worried that he might, you
can always ensure that you will be constantly in this thoughts through frequent
text messages (phone numbers are public record: that is fair game!), emails,
long personalized poems in his mailbox, etc. The more frequent the better,
don't let him forget you! You have worked for this, don't give up now! If he
seems frustrated by your endeavors, don't be discouraged, he is just
maintaining an air of manliness to keep you on your toes. Be relentless, be
intentional, and soon he will fall for you too.
So there
you have it ladies. A foolproof way to seduce a man. Don't thank me when this
works successfully for you, it is my duty as a fellow female to help those in
need. And gentlemen, if you're reading this, feel free to apply these same
tactics! Women love a desperate man… it makes them feel desirable, and it is
NOT AT ALL creepy. Conventional ways of pursuing the opposite sex are overused
and overrated, this way is both stunning and unique. So have at it people, and
I'll be expecting a wedding invitation as a thank you.
Megan
**Disclaimer**
I am not in any way responsible for the results of your encounters with the
opposite sex should you follow these instructions. By reading this, you agree
to release me from liabilities following hereafter from your actions that may
or may not have been directly influenced through this particular blog post.
