Five Things I Can Do Because I Am Single

So surprisingly, the reaction to my blog post about reasons why I am single was universally positive. (Although I'm not sure what my cats thought, they refused to comment…) I even received multiple date offers nationwide from people I have never met, so that is delightful. Or creepy, considering the only things they know about me are that I may have a cocaine addiction and really love cats. But regardless, I find I need to clarify. Because this post also brought on the sympathy train of people who are like, "Oh Megan, don't stress out, you're wonderful, I am sure God has a man just for you who is rich and handsome and finds those middle school pics of you to be super sexy!" However, that wasn't the point of my last post. I mean sure, it would be nice to have someone who always tells me I'm beautiful, and texts me goodmorning every morning when they wake up, and who cuddles with me to keep me warm (I'm obviously too good to use jackets like the rest of the human race) but there are so many fabulous things I can do because I am single. And so that is what I offer you today, just a taste of some of the great things I can do because I'm single.

1. Bum clothes. And hair. And make up.

If there is a day, week, month, or semester you don't feel like looking your best, you don't have to worry about it! Living the single life means that you can dress in stretchy pants and t-shirts every day, that you can "forget" to run a brush through your hair, and that the eye liner can stay in the corner gathering dust indefinitely. With no man to impress, some days I look like the equivalent of a sleep-deprived monkey in yoga pants. But that is okay, because it means (at least for me) more sleep and more comfort. So to all you girls riding solo, remember it is cool to live the bum life.

2. Netflix Marathons

On the weekends while other people are out having fun with their significant other, I usually find myself alone with a hankering to watch an episode (or 12) of some quality TV programming. Without a boyfriend, I am free to do this all I want. Netflix and I really have an emotional connection, and I love how it just keeps playing the episodes automatically without me having to click on anything. It is a lazy person's dream. Except when you've watched five or six episodes and that obnoxious, judgmental little gray box pops up and asks you if you're still watching. I'm like: "RUDE NETFLIX! You don't know my life. Maybe I do want to watch 45 consecutive episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" or 12 solid hours of How I Met Your Mother, don't judge me."

3. I can eat Cheetos as much as I want, whenever I want.

I don't know why this is something exclusively single people can do, but if you didn't think it was gonna make my list, clearly you don't know me at all.

4. Look at cute boys

As a single girl, I have no shame or guilt in checking out attractive men, and then subsequently finding out their full name and then extensively Facebook stalking them. At which point I will be able to tell you their age, college, major, place of employment, past dating history, blood type, closest friends, and what they might be doing on any given Tuesday at 6 o' clock. (That's right, my Facebook stalking skills are incredibly renowned. If the whole elementary school teacher doesn't work out, I am pretty sure the CIA or FBI would be willing to take me on as a resident stalker.)

5. Selfie profile pictures

No need to include a man in my pics! Whenever I feel the urge to snap a good picture of myself, I am ready. In the car, while doing homework, on the way to the elementary school to teach a literacy lesson (see my current twitter profile picture) I am ready. I can re-take the picture 16 times to make sure the lighting is right, and my double chin is hidden, and my hair is perfectly positioned to make my nose look smaller and my eyes look bigger. This is significantly harder to do with a man because in general they don't care what pictures of them look like. In fact, if you look at most of the guys you know on Facebook, their profile picture is probably something that a girl would have hurried to untag herself in two minutes after it was posted. Chances are they are covered in dirt, making a ridiculous face, or wearing some kind of strange costume. Being single eliminates the need to include your man in your picture. So single ladies, snap those selfies, and maybe number 14 will be the one.

This is not an exhaustive list, but rather just a taste of the complete and utter joy of being single. Of course I don't mean that people in relationships can't do the things on this list. I just like to think its easier/makes more sense for single people to do them, thus helping me to justify my unhealthy consumption of cheetos and Netflix marathons.

What kinds of things can you do because you're single? Please post them in the comments. Then I will feel less lame.

Megan

Seven Reasons I'm Probably Single

Recently people (i.e. my mom and cat, really if I mention "people" on here, you as the reader can just assume that is who I mean) keep asking me how me, the wonderful, fabulous, Megan could possibly be single. And at first, I was confounded. I mean, honestly, I consider myself pretty normal, relatively humorous, and not altogether hideous. But then… I really considered things.

1. When in public I often hum to myself. That goes for pretty much any time I'm not directly speaking to humans. In line waiting for food in the cafeteria, on the way to classes, in the car, etc. I am sure it only adds to the crazy vibe I give off. Today I gave a tour and I caught myself humming as we walked from one building to another. I apologized to the prospective students and their families, and they said it was fine, I was just "very bubbly and energetic" but there is no way they did not suspect that I was in possession of a one-way ticket to crazy town.

2. I am a big ball of awkward. Not only do I have this weird hand shaking problem (Don't worry I looked it up on Web MD and it's either low blood sugar or cocaine abuse, so that's still a toss up.) BUT I also have no ability to make small talk. People ask me about the weather and I'm like, yeah so sunny right, but what are your eschatological views? Oops.

3. And for some reason when I tell stories about my life they always end in awkward and embarrassing reveals about things people probably don't want to know about me. One time a guy asked me about why I chose the college I was attending and it ended with me telling him all of the reasons having a big butt comes in handy in every day life. How? Good question.

4. My main hobbies include eating and napping. The word cheetos is in my everyday vocabulary and I just informed a large group of people a few days ago that my life motto is "You can never have too many cookies." Forget, "Dream Big" or "With God, all things are possible." I thought it was necessary to inform a crowd that my LIFE motto revolved around cookies. My most-used twitter hashtag is "#fattyproblems," and rightly so. I measure time by "how long until I can eat again" and sometimes I attend social events purely for the food. I am actually justa giant sloth with a large vocabulary and the tendency to be overly sarcastic.

5. All of the guys I have ever been close with knew me when I looked like this:

   

   Between the hair and the lips, I'm surprised I didn't have
   to beat off the boys with a baseball bat.

   
   

   

   My awkward years were actually an awkward decade,
   and this was smack dab in the middle of it.

   
   

   

   Seriously. I just can't even...

6. My favorite sport is marathon TV watching. And I am really good at it.

7. I am actually a cat lady in training. Every time I see a picture of a cat I ooh and ahh and get this overwhelming desire to share it with someone. I have my cats listed in my phone contacts. And I actually refer to them as members of the family. Any day now I will be co-hosting birthday parties for strays in the neighborhood. It is just a sign of things to come, and I think men can sense it.

There are probably like 23 other reasons that could make this list, but I'm still trying to keep myself marketable. I mean, who knows, there could be a man out there who is just dying to date an awkward, cat-obsessed, cheeto-loving, possible-cocaine-abusing, spontaneous hummer. And if so, well you know where to find me.

Megan